Is My GF's Guy Friend "Dirty Macking"?
On Today's Episode of Three's Company.....
Be honest, are you too young and had to google “Three’s Company” to understand the joke? Just thought I’d ask..
Anyway, this advice question came from a guy who is clearly at his wits end here so let’s see if we can help him out gang. Brace yourself, you might get triggered reading this!
Trigger warning: 3rd party under the guise of friendship. Do not use this post as an excuse to confront your S/O or crush or whatever about their “guy/girl/person bestie”. But if you do, let me know about it anyhow!
“Dear Daphne,
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I enjoyed your insight on your other posts and the shit you post on Bluesky. You are funny and smart and I knew I had to come to you about this one.
So, I been with my girl for over a year now and I legit love her. She’s someone I can see myself marrying and starting a family with. We live in the same city and come from similar backgrounds as well. I’ll also add that she’s just my type looks wise… like she bad as hell. I know she’s the type to get a lot of attention from guys, so it doesn’t bother me. In fact, I love it.
But the problem is one of her guy friends. Now mind you, I am not the kind of person that thinks that men and women can’t be friends. I have a few homegirls myself and we are legit platonic and nothing more, so I don’t mind if she has guy friends.
This mf is different though. It was clear to me from jump that he felt something beyond a friendship for her. He never did anything overt but it was still enough for me to pick up on it. It stayed in the back of my mind and in the beginning nothing crazy occurred that made me question anything too deep.
But here recently, it seems like they are always together and not in the healthy “oh I’m just spending time with friends” way. Like he’s always coming over to her place to play a game, watch a show, or stream. He’s become like an assistant to her for her content creation stuff and it’s like on the surface that’s cool. But it be at all hours damn near and it feels like I am getting shut out. I brought this up to her and she reassured me and said it was nothing, so I let it go.
However, one night she was at my place and I had her phone to put something from Apple TV on. She was in the shower (she takes long ass showers) and I was setting up our quality time. While I was maneuvering with her phone, a text from that mf came through. Now please don’t judge me but I clicked the notification since her text previews are off and all I could see was his name and contact photo.
When I clicked it, I saw that these two were talking like lovers. His text to her was him saying he missed what they had and that he regretted doing her wrong and that he wanted to “get us back.” He also said that he knows he would treat her better than me and do her the way she wants like he used to (I think you can gather what that means). I scroll through the damn thread and see that she was enjoying the ego stroke and allowing the convos to go the way they have. She never outright said she missed him too or wanted to get back with him, but she also never checked his behavior. I was hurt and angry because either way she lied to me about who this man was to her.
I confronted her after she got out of the shower and she started crying and saying she should’ve told me that they tried to do date and were sexual but that he was being a fuckboy and it didn’t work. She also assured me that all time they spent together (even into the wee hours of the night) was really about her content creation and nothing more. I don’t trust or believe it so I have been in no-contact for the past week because I told her I needed space before I completely crash out. I mean I legit saw this guy talking down on me in multiple messages to like “one up” me and she did not do enough to correct him. I still love her because before all this, shit was perfect… so I am conflicted.
My question is: should I continue this relationship knowing all of this? Thank you again!”
-Signed, Jacob Black
It sounds to me like Miss Ma’am is trying to “have her cake and eat it too” as the saying goes. I completely understand that there are people who can decide that just because a romantic connection didn’t work, doesn’t mean a friendship won’t. I actually fully get that. But if that is the case, there should absolutely be boundaries. Meaning, you do not put yourself in a potentially compromising situation with the person by hanging out all hours of the night and all the time. You do not have sexually suggestive or even flirtatious conversations with the person. You certainly would not hide the fact that it was more from your boyfriend/girlfriend/partner. And you DAMN SURE would not let this other person talk shit about your current partner as a way to make themselves look better. It sounds like they have a strong attachment to one another that she’s just not willing to part with despite how trash of a person he was to her when they attempted the romantic fling. It also sounds like she may not love you the way she says because her actions are really loud.
I know you love this girl and I am sure there are some great qualities about her that made you fall for her in the beginning—but it sounds like having boundaries isn’t one of them. At this point if you’re thinking marriage, prepare to marry this guy friend too because it does not sound like he’s going anywhere. Guess you can decide if he’s the house husband or the work husband. Does he have a good job? Maybe he can be the other that contributes financially and you also reap the rewards. Sounds more like he would be the house husband-butler since he’s already her little errand boy for her content creation. Maybe y’all can live in a cul-de-sac of other throuples and you have Monday-Thursday and he gets the weekends since he sounds overall less committal/unserious. He can do the cooking, cleaning, and yard stuff while you and her relax on the couch. Maybe even babysit the kids while y’all go to happy hour during your Monday-Thursday time.
I am pretty sure that is not the kind of dynamic you want so if I were you, I would just bow out now. Relationships are built on trust and she broke that by not being forthcoming here. Also, there could’ve been way more said or done by her when the two of them were alone that wasn’t captured in text. That is too much uncertainty and I question whether she’s fully over him or not based on this behavior. You deserve someone who is all in and moved on from past toxic situations, so get out there and find her and let those two “friends” have each other and that shit they’re sitting in.
Alright gang til next time! Need advice? Be sure to send your situation/question to: deardaphneadvice@gmail.com